Be careful what you blog...

It appears that my earlier comments may have been read by some web surfing Puck or other mischievious character... for no longer than 4 days after what I thought was a seemingly harmless post about my inadequacies of handiwork - I get home from confession, and while attempting to put up a curtain rail in my kids room (Any sharp intakes of breath at this point are merited), after a particularly complex maneuver (Please do remember - I can make any handy work appear overly complicated) standing on a footstool leaning over a shelf and attempting to pull out a wall plug with my left hand - I put out my back to the extent that rolling in bed required a groan... incapacitated for roughly 4 days.

(Random thought - there is a slight possibility that it was not a fictitious character from another century, come to life and suddenly computer savvy; but rather my guardian angel thought that Fr's penance for me didn't quite cover the full cost of the bill I clocked up, so he / she kindly made up the difference for me... if so... umm.. thanks I guess.. we are told that we get a much better price before actually proceeding to the checkout... wowza I bought some expensive items I 'spose...)

Anyway, some interesting insights while lying in bed incapacitated while my even more saintly wife ran the household (Even more completely than usual; and with an additional kid - me; Usually i'm only half kid like) for about 4 days. There were certain similarities with the progression of my own recovery and the growth over the last few months of our youngest bundle of joy (DD3). If you've had a young one grow into your household and grace you with their smiles and such... you may see the similarities yourself...

1st day - All I could do was groan, not moving, had to have my DW bring me food, and be showered lying on the floor.(Not being allowed in the bed before I showered) I'll spare you details re: toileting other than to reiterate there were similarities and use of kid potties...
2nd Day - Progressed to being able to roll in bed, and eventually crawl to the toilet 3m away. Still waking every few hours overnight... (I know, I know - Before the tirade of comments flow from my DW and any other mothers out there reading this - I realize this is often a standard night's sleep for some... give me some credit - this was at least worse than 'man flu')
3rd Day - Sleeping through the night (Yay! - Particularly thanking a pharmacist friend of mine) Not to be taken out of context but; prescription drugs are goooood!! And so if you ever can - befriend a pharmacist. I had also progressed to be able climb up furniture now to a half stand ... to then collapse in bed, instead of a 15 minute maneuver involving face planting through whatever bedding happened to be in the way.
4th Day - I can hobble around for short periods of time before my back seizes up again and I've got to revert to crawling or lying over an old computer chair that has wheels - as my DD1 named without thinking at one point "Dad... can I get you your wheel chair?",...  man I felt old.
5th Day - Walking is no longer a foreign concept, I can even risk a car trip to the Dr's to see if there's anything I should do about this and get a sick note for work. After a preamble which had nothing to do with my back, the Dr promptly told me - " Basically... you're just getting old - and there's nothing you can do about it"

I"M THIRTY YEARS OLD!!!!!

I thought all those jokes about it all being downhill from here were just that - JOKES?!?!?!!

Anyway, it's the evening of the 5th day, and I can finally sit down at my computer to blog and cry about my aging state of affairs... after playing a few computer games!!
:)

Survival Guide for New Dad's...

I won't usually post just a compilation of links ... but I definitely thought this one was worth it!!
http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/6/7/new-dad-survival-guide-8-essential-tips.html

Confidence...

Well, if you're anyone who knows me, you are probably aware that 'handy man' isn't one of my all time loves, and truthfully could not really be used accurately in the same sentence as my name. (In no small way attributed to the fact that invariably the statistical probability of me actually fixing anything without breaking something else is fairly slim... the width probably comparable to that of a quark or two)  I would go so far to rate it somewhere in between  'Going shopping solo on a Saturday morning with all five kids' and 'Going to the dentist', on the things I like to do list.

With that said, potentially the following may make more sense.

Wife: (Paraphrase) "Pleeeaaassse try and fix the bathroom tap"
Me: "Ahhh ... ummm.... alright, I'll give it a go. You do realise I have an 80% confidence rate that I won't  be able to fix this."
Wife: "Oh don't worry, I have 100% confidence."
<slight pause>
Me: "Ahh,.. well thanks .. I 'spose... no expectation or stress... I guess.."
<Another pregnant pause - cog's can be heard turning somewhere in the room>
Wife (Sounding very contrite): "NOO, no, no.... I ahh meant that I had no confidence in MEE being able to fix it..."

Mmhmm.. yea ... right.

My brother has a nice saying he had to use with me all too often
"Dig up M,.... dig up"

100 ml of Vanilla Essence

Late this evening I am fixing the recycling to take out while my DW unpacks the shopping. After a lull in the conversation there comes a statement I really didn't expect....

"I need to get some vodka."

Now to explain; my DW detests alcohol to the extent that even desserts(Think Achilles' heel) with the slight taste of the alcoholic generally gets the thumbs down... (You may not appreciate the true magnitude of this statement...)

So when this chance motion was put forth, two things came to mind;

Firstly, I scanned over the conversation during the evening, (those parts I could remember at least), considering whether it gave any indication of earthquakes / airplane crash's / fires in her craft room... but nothing came to mind - and usually these type of things make some kind of impression on this male's memory.... usually.

From which I moved to my second thought.

Oh no... not again .... 
... another natural remedy that avoids the unspeakable forces of evils which are embodied by horrors called colouring and preservatives.

From this reaction came the thought, do I bight?... can I actually resist,... this time can I at least pretend that in someway this makes sense to me so I can leave the kitchen without once again becoming totally  bewildered... after all of about 2 seconds (My willpower apparently has something to be desired) I gave in.

"OK, I give up... how come?"

My DW then proceeds to tell me that all that makes up vanilla essence is vodka and a vanilla bean, and that per 100ml of vanilla essence it's really quite expensive. After some discussion considering the amount that vodka would cost proportionally to the essence we came to the semi conclusion that it would be roughly the same cost. (Working with estimates from two people who know nothing about the actual cost of alcoholic beverages)

From which my DW responds,
"Alright, well we'll just have to make vodka then.What's it made out of?"

I pause and look at her in the vain hope that THIS time she is actually having me on. Somehow the brisk unpacking of goods does not indicate a joke in the making.

So I tentatively answer
ME: "Ummm, potatoes I think..."
DW: "Oh good, they're cheap"
Me(Slightly panicky at this point): "I'm pretty sure that to make any type of spirits you need a still... and that they're illegal for residential use."
DW:" Why!?!"
Me: "Ummm.... high levels of alcohol, high level's of pressure.... residents ... explosions..."
DW: "Oh yea, right... wusses"
Me: "Sorry, we are talking about saving a little money by making vanilla essence aren't we?"
DW: "Yip"

And so continues the crusade against all things unnatural...

DW Declutter...

A saying from the daily quote's that made me automatically think of my DW and her crusade at the moment against all clutter... (Which automatically started with all my clothes, trophies and other things she thought superfluous... I was just glad I didn't find myself sleeping in the outside bin....)


You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright

One of my favourite poems...

If                                                          by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too; 

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same; 

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Easter kid moments...

I 'spose I shouldn't be surprised that a long weekend as meaningful as Easter couldn't pass through without some memorable moments...

DD1(Age5*)
On returning from Easter Sunday Mass, Grumpa PG happened to be hitching a ride back in the 'people mover' to the house (Mistake No. 1) and had finally been told by his ears that unfortunately, they had officially reached their capacity for the day and would he please do something about it (even though they realised it was only 8:45am in the morning). And so, responding to his tortured sonic capturers, he attempted to reduce the onslaught of many frequencies by reasoning with the kids ... (Mistake No. 2).  This reasoning was joyfully responded to with a number of counter arguments, to which he responded finally that they should all be politicians... (Mistake No. 3). To which the question was asked - 'What's a politician?'. And Grumpa's answer of 'the people who make all the rules...' inevitably became Mistake No. 4; for, after a slightly pregnant pause our DD1 stated in a matter of fact tone -

"If I was 'Prime Minister' I would make it illegal to pooh in your pants... "

 - Now, a question to any 'all knowing' parents out there - what may I ask, is the appropriate response to such a statement...?

DD2 (Age4*)
Over rest times on the Sunday our DD2 was captured in a moment of artistic inspiration while exploring the medium of water colours... Now as with many of our DD2's artisitic moments - they are not necassarily short lived. For it did not end until every adult in the house (5 of them.. ) had at least 3 of these dripping multihued masterpieces ... now what the other adults in the household did not know at the time, was that not only did our DD2 instill her creativity with use (?? misuse..??) of hands, eyes, clothes, floor and random objects between the kitchen table and the intended recipient. Oh no, it could not end there. Each master piece had been lovelingly sung into creation, in true savant style ... over the full 2+ hours. Undoubtebly, it was an unspoken expectation of DD2 that we lucky recipients not only recieved and appreciated the spectrum of colour, but also the spectrum of frequencies that had been so tenderly invested in them.

DS1(Age 3*)
POOOHS ON THE POTTY!!!!!
(Now I apologise for the lavatory subject matter of this blog, but potentially I should have put as a component of the original below disclaimer - I have 4 (Soon to be 5 children) under the age of 6 - what is considered 'appropriate' subject matter becomes quite skewed from the mean by at least 1 to 2 standard deviations...)
Anyway, our 20mth old has been achieving more success in this department ... consistently and for a few months now, so it was a VERY BIG DEAL!!

DS2(20 months*)

• DS2 - 2 ft
• Easter Bunny - 1 ft
• DS2's eyes and open mouth  - x10 magnification... 'nough said

* I take no responsibility for any inaccuracy's of age, name, hair / eye / skin colour,  (despite the fact that I am their father) for reasons specified under the 'Clueless Father Act of (approx) 6000 BC', Section 29, paragraph 3, line 2.